Thursday, March 6, 2014

Hard

This post is hard for me on so many levels.  Today we visited Sarah Joy's orphanage.  It was nice enough.  Compared to buildings in the states it was not outstanding, but for buildings here, it was nice.  We were given a small tour and then headed to Sarah Joy's room.  Along the way we passed a room of sleeping babies all snug in their beds.  When we got to her room it was lunch time and the nannies were feeding the children.  They were lined up in chairs as one nanny fed three or so children from one bowl with one spoon.  As we entered the room the children were instructed to wave at "mama and baba" and they waved and called out to us.

Soon the nannies were calling out to Sarah Joy and trying to coax her to come to them or trying to feed her.  I clung hard to my baby and made sure she knew she was safe.  She didn't reach for them, but rather turned her head away.  At one point it became overwhelming for her and she began to cry.  At that point I didn't care to stay, only to run with my baby and make sure she felt secure.  We went to the hall away from the others and waited.

Once we were through in her room we were led to the hospital to see Suzanna.  We walked in and she was lying in the crib.  She called out "mama" and my heart melted.  Now I know she was coaxed to say that, but oh how I longed to pick her up, hold her close, and love her.  Instead I bent over her bed and caressed her face while telling her how special she was.  I even had Amanda, our guide, to tell her she was a pretty girl.  Her smile is beautiful and she is such a gem.  I pray she soon finds a forever family.

After that it was time to go.  I couldn't leave fast enough.  My heart was broken and I was near tears.  I hurt for Suzanna and all those precious treasures waiting to feel the love of a forever family.  For those of you who know me well, you know how hard it was to walk away from those babies.  I wanted to bring them all into our family!

It was hard for another reason also.  I thought about how many different women Sarah Joy has called momma.  How many visitors have been called momma by my sweet angel.  She says the word so well, so I know it must have been a lot.  I do believe she is beginning to discriminate that I am her momma forever (if not I think she would have reached out to a nanny).  However, this reinforces the need to work hard on establishing our bond.

Now for those of you on this journey with us, I know you feel a great deal of love for her and can't wait to see her and hold her.  Even so, I am asking that you please give us time.  If you happen to see us out and about, please don't ask to hold her or give her food.  We want her to develop securely to us and know that we are here forever.  I know this may be difficult for some, as it would be for me too, but please understand this is not to be mean, but to help her develop a healthy attachment.

Thank you for being patient with us and helping us along on this journey.  Sarah Joy is so very loved and I can't wait for her to see how special she is to all of us.

2 comments:

Janet and Kevin said...

You are so right about needing to establish with your daughter who you are. My little ones all have had to learn what mama and baba really are. We aren't just another set of orphanage workers. We are the real deal for them - their home base in a ballgame. We have always asked our family and friends to stand back a bit and let our newest child begin to bond with us before they begin to bond with them. It is one of the hardest things we have come across in adoption, telling others who want to love on our new children that they can't just yet up close, only from afar. God bless you as you go through these first fragile beginnings together.

Sabrina Tolbert said...

You do need time. I encourage you to take as long as you need without guilt as to how it might affect others. This is your baby girl who you have longed for. Take the time, and love her hard!